Improving my paper

i need to work on the stucture in my paragraph and some grammars error.This is much harder then what I thought, because I'm not sure what I'm really want to talk about. I think my paper is more opinionated.

things to go over in my paper

Of the many things that I need to address in my paper, I need to:

- Establish more credibility by incluing more quotes from experts.
-Improve the flow of my paper so as to lead my audience to the conclusion that I want them to come to. In order to this I'll have to use more transition words. Thank goodness for the revision class workshop day because now I can put to use all those helpful skills we learned for revising our paper.
- I also need to revise my tone on my paper, so as to not to come off to be too preachy.
- And I need to make sure that I'm very clear in my argument.

What I am going to do this weekend

I am going to fix my paper.

How?

I have lots good statistics, and I am using evaluative argument.

Therefore first off, I am going to need to do more specific analysis with a more solid and clear thesis statement.

Second, I have done quite a lot of research, but I am going to have to do some more research to find supporting facts.

Third, I am going to make revisions to support my claims and write a little more. I will need also need proper bibliography.

Problems with my paper

The first problem with my paper is that it does not have a well defined conclusion. Most of the substance for the conclusion is there, but it is mingled in with the last body paragraph of my paper. That paragraph started out as a conclusion but slowly turned into a body paragraph. I will split the two and make them into a body paragraph and conclusion.

The second problem is that I have two weak topic sentences. When I was looking for the topic sentence of two of my paragraphs, I had trouble figuring out exactly which sentence was it. That is unacceptable. I need to rework those two paragraphs.

The third thing I need is to better define my argument and to give conflicting views with my argument. This is something I have known I need to do but just have not gotten to yet. Once I do this it will more than likely fix my fifth problem which is length. I am at 4 pages and it needs to be 5.

Paper Work that needs to be done.

I have much to improve on my mid term paper. Upon actually reading it again and reading the notes that was given, I can not believe that I created something so unorganized and thoughtless. I was really just meandering through the paper most of the time. The following are the top three things I would change about my paper.

1. The structure of my paper is quite flawed. This messes with the flow, and it is very hard for the reader to see who I am arguing to.

2. I should add more research to my paper to add more credibility to it. I realize now much of my paper is just showing how I feel about the subject rather than arguing.

3.  I constantly get off topic. I need to keep focus during the paper.

Revisions

Although there is definatley more than three things that I can fix about my paper, here are some of the important ones:
1.) I really need to work on aiming my paper at an audience. Write now it just sounds like an essay I wrote as an assignment for my rhetoric class.
2.) I need some clarity and strucure. At times it seems like I'm just rambling but there needs to be meaning in everything that I say, it sounds wishy washy.
3.) When we were highlighting and circling things on Tuesday, I realized that I have lots and lots of facts and I don't really have any analyzing going on in my paper. To me this is the biggest issue of all and I really need to work on it and amend this.

Revisions

1. Make known who my audience is: Decide whether my argument is more pathos, or logos. Decide between my "economic argument" or my "attack on human lives argument".

2. Smoother transitions between paragraphs: use the worksheet from UWC with the chart of transition words and phrases

3. Add more anaylsis after evidence: talk about what i just stated in more detail because the paper become strictly facts, stats, and quotes and not enough comentary.