Revision

In my paper titled Global Warming and Human Health, there are more than a handful of revisions that need to be made. I feel that one of the paper's problems is that it does not appear to have a clear audience. I was targeting the paper at young adults, but this idea gets lost throughout the paper and it begins to be geared toward more of a learned audience. In order to fix this I feel that I need to read a few articles geared toward young readers and take notice of the language that is used. I also feel that my paper lacks quotations and therefore it lacks credibility. I need to look back over my research and find quotes that make this paper stronger. Another major problem with my paper is that it does not have a consistent flow. I feel that the transitions are awkward and that the paragraph changes are choppy. I need to go back through my paper and create a smoother flow by reading it outloud to myself and to my friends.

ELEPHANTS!

1. I need to clarify if I don't like the Prius or hybrids in general. To do this, I will probably state that its pretty cool to drive a hybrid and save gas, but the Prius ruins all of that goodness.
2. Have to make my argument more obvious. Going to start paper off more directly and go ahead and say what the deal is. Then make sure the rest of my sub-arguments go along with the main one.
3. Pretty much 1 and 2 combined. I have to make a stronger argument that focuses on a clear subject. I'll just read through my paper a few times and think about what it says and what I want to say. Maybe I'll think of something good.

Revision

First, I need to work on the structure of my paper. I plan to look at articles in the Daily Texan as well as narrative arguments in order to get an idea of how my paper should be structured. Second, my paper needs more evidence. This can be fixed by doing more research and using the evidence I find to sway my audience to agree with my argument. Third, I want to improve the flow of my paper. I think my topic sentences need to be revised so that these sentences refer back to my thesis statement. I will need to work on my mind map or make an outline of my paper so that I am able to focus more directly on my thesis statement.

Three Things to Fix

1. Make my paper more appealing to my audience by tweaking my topic so that it is more relavant and interesting. I need to increase its "readability" and also include more references to some of the most popular athletes from the games.

2. Incorporate more commentary and personal views into my paper so that it is not just chock-full of boring facts and history. I need to work on my evaluation and analysis of the information I include.

3. Further define what my argument is. I need to strengthen my paper's point, be more persuasive, and include some of the controversies surrounding the games.

Revision of my paper

So , I found the revision workshop Tuesday VERY helpful for my paper. After class I went through my paper once more and tried to narrow down the problems I need to fix. The three issues I need to resolve in my paper are as follows...

1. The specific argument and audience of my paper. These somewhat go hand in hand, but basically I need to narrow my topic from just AIDS in Africa to something more specific. From there, I need to identify what I want to argue and who I will be writing to, based on the type of my argument.

2. Next, I need to work on the flow of my paper. This has to do with topic sentences and sub-topics within a paragraph. I need to work on making it clear to the reader what a paragraph will be about.
3. I also need to work on my introduction/conclusion. I think after some revision on my paper, my conclusion will be easier to write. But as for my introduction I am struggling. Do I go with a catchy or sympathetic approach? Do I start with a question, quote or story?

These are some of the problems I need to revise in my paper!

Three issues I need to fix for my first draft

I don't know about you guys, but I found the revision session most helpful for the paper. Going to Sean's office hours helps too because he gives you insights on specific issues with your paper. 

Three issues that I really need to work on in fixing my paper are as follows: 

1. The clarification of my argument - This was by far the most important issue in need of help for my paper. I have somewhat completed this portion though. The scope of my target audience has changed and the type of publication changed. In order to fix it more, doing research for finding out what I really want to talk about is the main goal here. 

2. More research need on a specific central issue - There is one specific example that I want to focus on but I need to confirm that it relates to globalization in some way - piracy. In order to fix it, asking others, researching, and looking for answers would be a great way. 

3. Flow of paragraphs - As said in UWC review session, the flow of paragraphs is important. I need to make each paragraph relate to one another once my research and writing is completed. To do this, I think the transitions page would be helpful. Asking classmates would be helpful as well once I'm done. My paper is based on opinions of college students (girls) so if any of you would like to help out, let me know :D 

Although these may be issues that would be seen at the beginning of the paper, my paper seemed to work differently....Lots of Work, and so little TIME!!! 

JAPANESE and RAP

Here is a picture of Japanese youth, who are heavily influenced by rap and black culture. 

Ganguro, which literally means "black face", is a trend among Japanese girls.

I just thought this was an interesting picture to post...it coincides with my paper!

see you tomorrow!!